A very long-time-coming engagement. (Yes, THAT kind of engagement!!)
A couple weeks ago, Billemailed me to share details on the Big Sur hotel booking he’d made for us. Someone had just cancelled their two-night stay at Deetjen’s, so he snatched the opportunity to make a reservation for sleeping and eating. Perfect. With…
In my ongoing quest for the perfect framework for understanding haters, I created The Disapproval Matrix**. (With a deep bow to its inspiration.) This is one way to separate haterade from productive feedback. Here’s how the quadrants break down:
Critics: These are smart people who know something about your field. They are taking a hard look at your work and are not loving it. You’ll probably want to listen to what they have to say, and make some adjustments to your work based on their thoughtful comments.
Lovers: These people are invested in you and are also giving you negative but rational feedback because they want you to improve. Listen to them, too.
Frenemies: Ooooh, this quadrant is tricky. These people really know how to hurt you, because they know you personally or know your work pretty well. But at the end of the day, their criticism is not actually about your work—it’s about you personally. And they aren’t actually interested in a productive conversation that will result in you becoming better at what you do. They just wanna undermine you. Dishonorable mention goes to The Hater Within, aka the irrational voice inside you that says you suck, which usually falls into this quadrant. Tell all of these fools to sit down and shut up.
Haters: This is your garden-variety, often anonymous troll who wants to tear down everything about you for no rational reason. Folks in this quadrant are easy to write off because they’re counterproductive and you don’t even know them. Ignore! Engaging won’t make you any better at what you do. And then rest easy, because having haters is proof your work is finding a wide audience and is sparking conversation. Own it.
The general rule of thumb? When you receive negative feedback that falls into one of the top two quadrants—from experts or people who care about you who are engaging with and rationally critiquing your work—you should probably take their comments to heart. When you receive negative feedback that falls into the bottom two quadrants, you should just let it roll off your back and just keep doin’ you. If you need to amp yourself up about it, may I suggest this #BYEHATER playlist on Spotify? You’re welcome.
** I presented The Disapproval Matrix to the fine folks at MoxieCon in Chicago yesterday, and they seemed to find it useful, so I figured I’d share with the class. It was originally inspired by a question my friend Channing Kennedy submitted to my #Realtalk column at the Columbia Journalism Review.
I'd tweet about the Schmincubus band member that I have a major crush on but then it'll pop up on the event projector next to my face.
mayka: incubus is rehearsing right now!!
mayka: and the bassist is very hot
mayka: he smiled at me
mayka: we made eye contact on two separate occasions
bill: NO FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE BAND
mayka: his name is ben! he used to play with the roots! i also love the roots!
bill: how can i compete with thaaat
bill: can he make puppets?
mayka: you're right.
mayka: you win.
mayka: BUT WHEN HAVE YOU EVER MADE ME A PUPPET
umm did i just cry?
Ian McEwan wrote that before the lives of 9/11 victims were unbelievably and unmistakeably taken by those empty of empathy, love was their weapon and their defiance. What did they say in their last moments? I love you. I love you. I love you. Individually, again and again, until the lines and waves were cut. Only love, and then oblivion.– synaesthesia: only oblivion, and then love.
Looking back on your life and realizing that you could have been happier, could have been more in love, wishing you had more, is so much more painful than having a broken heart for a few months.– 500 Days of Summer. And life. « A Pretty Sunday
A SHORT LOVE STORY IN STOP MOTION on Vimeo (via Vimeo)